Mom Guilt and Distance Learning

Distance learning while working full-time from home is one of the most difficult experiences I have had since becoming a mom 10 years ago.

I can remember the sleepless nights of having a newborn. I can remember the stress of studying for my comprehensive exams, the national exam all while going to grad school full-time during my school internship. I can remember my first clinical experience of having a group of 4 students with autism, running a parent group, taking 18 units, working and helping care for my grandma who had terminal cancer all during the same quarter. All of that seems like a walk in the park compared to distance learning for my two kids and working as a school-based speech language pathologist. I love being a mom. I love sitting with my kids and hearing them read. I love helping them with their homework. I love hearing about their day. I love hearing about what they learned. I love seeing their confidence grow with each accomplishment and failure. I love cuddling with my babies and telling them stories. I love them.

I love my job. I’m good at my job. I love working with kids. I love hearing their stories and seeing their personalities develop overtime. I love seeing them on campus and saying ”hi” to them and asking about their day, weekend or holiday break. I love being able to give them a high-five or fist bump when they kicked butt in any aspect of their life.

In the last month, I have felt like I have failed in both areas of my life. As a mom. As an SLP. There isn’t enough time in the day to be good, not great, at both of these. I work hours beyond my contract time daily. I respond to parent emails over the weekend. Then I help the kids with their school work, karate, piano lessons, cook and then spend some downtime with the family. I’m exhausted when I go to bed but find myself waking in the middle of the night. Tuesday night, for instance, I woke with a startle that I forgot to send my boy to his reading assessment appointment, so at 12:30 am I went into his room to look at the schedule. His assessment wasn’t until Thursday. This is how I have been running the last month.

With my stress levels through the roof we considered me taking a leave of absence so I can focus on the kids. We considered putting the kids in a learning pod. We considered having my mom help out 4 days a week. It was when we considered the learning pod that I reached out to my supervisor from undergrad and she advised me to hire a tutor just for my kids. She understood where I was coming from as a mother- that I wanted the best for them. She also understood the cost involved with learning pods and tutors. We found our tutor through a close friend and she is eager to help our kids succeed.

it wasn’t an easy decision to have another person, yet alone woman, come in to my home and do what I am supposed to do for my kids. There were so many things we had to consider in making this decision. If I took a leave, I wouldn’t know how long it would be for. That would impact pay, benefits and retirement. When we compared the cost of someone coming into our home it outweighed the leave.

We finished our first week and it went well. My boy is exhausted because he has someone who is able to keep him on task in front of a computer for 3.5 hours and then an additional 1-1.5 hours of independent work. My girl adores our tutor and selects what assignments she wants her to help her with. Thankfully, my girl knows how hard this is for me and keeps her writing/language arts assignments for me.

I have always taken pride in juggling it all but this school year I found I can’t. it wasn’t easy saying I need help and not choosing my kids. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I still don’t think I’ve managed to get it down just yet but I have found I can at least breathe.

I feel fortunate to be in the position to be able to hire a tutor but it breaks my heart each day that it’s not me supporting them. After my work day, I review their work and help them with anything they haven’t finished so I can still be involved.

Simply put - this is hard.